Goal Deferral

When I speak publicly about mountaineering, I am always asked the question “Were you afraid of anything?” It is hard to explain the fears that I have when it comes to my passion. It is not the exposure or technical difficulty. It is not about skill or level of preparation. The mental side of climbing feels solid for me. My greatest fear on every climb is that something out of my control will keep me from achieving the summit. That either the weather will not cooperate or that the traffic will delay the process to the point of turning back. Or, as in this case, that I will get sick or injured and have to forgo the summit.

This climb forced me to face my greatest fear. It is not the first time I turned back, but for some reason it feels more significant than the other two times in my more than 20 years of climbing. Maybe it has something to do with my turning 54 yesterday. I am not talking physically, since I feel stronger now than I ever was in my mid 30s when I first started climbing. It feels more significant in perspective and meaning. In the days that have passed since deciding to defer my goal, I am experiencing a growing sense of strength and purpose. I am certain there will be redemption and feel a sense of calm around things falling into place for me. I do not need to force it, since it has nothing to do with whether it will happen. I need to be patient and let the “when” come to me. In a way, I have finally realized that my passion for climbing is so much more significant than my need to summit.

So now that I have the philosophy lesson completed for today, I will give you a rundown of the events that took place over the last week.

Our original team of 10 was down to 8 for the Ama Dablam portion of the expedition. For logistics and operational purposes we split up into 3 teams: groups of 3, 3, and 2. I was paired with my Russian and French Canadian sisters, Natasha and Julie, scheduled to head to the upper camps following the fast moving team of Allison, Sebastian, and Killian. Dan and Peter had the final rotation just a day behind us.

Our first stop was at Advanced Base Camp (ABC) for a quick overnight and rearranging of gear for the summit push. I felt strong and optimistic looking at a new vantage point of the climb ahead of us. ABC sits at 17,400 ft and provides a better perspective of each section of our route to the top.

The next day, by the time we made our short journey to Camp 1 situated at approximately 19,000 ft, my belly started giving me some trouble. That is often the case at elevation, so I was not alarmed initially. You are always dealing with some form of discomfort when climbing and need to be prepared to perform despite the ailment. We climbed into our tents early that evening since it would likely be the last night of sleep heading into the final summit bid. We had been forewarned that the two tents available at Camp 2 would likely make any form of sleep next to impossible.

What took place next was one of the longest nights I think I have ever experienced. After watching the sunset around 5:30 PM, it was a very long 13 hours until it popped back up again around 6:30 AM, and unfortunately I was wide awake for every second of it. I started experiencing an alarmingly loud whooshing in my ears which is called pulsatile tinnitus. This alone was very annoying and deprived me of much needed sleep, but it normally would not have been something that would have been expedition ending. However, as the sun came up the next morning, my vision was throbbing along to the drums playing in my ears. It was very unsettling and kind of freaked me out, to be honest. For the final hour that I tossed around in my sleeping bag, I had to beg myself not to carry on as soon as the symptoms disappeared. It was not something to rationalize. The ache in my belly became twofold: the acidity caused by elevation and the realization that I would not be able to join my climbing sisters on the Ama Dablam summit.

I cried three times over this very hard decision. Once alone in my sleeping bag as I came to terms with my decision, once when I told Natasha and Julie that I would have to turn back and they would summit without me, and a final time when I dropped all the way back to base camp and called Keith to share the experience with him, asking him to pass along the news to the family. There were a few clean-up tears shed when I received the text message from Dad letting me know he was proud of me.

I was back down in base camp in time to celebrate with some of the team for their amazing accomplishment of summiting. Allison, Sebastian, and Killian were able to achieve their summit goal, while both Dan and I cheered them on wholeheartedly despite coming up short for this attempt. The videos below show “Summit Dancing” for the different reasons, with the same joyful intention. See videos below for your entertainment :-)

The five of us trekked out together over the next two days. First stop was in Namche and then on to Lukla. I branched off from the group on the second day to hit up a monastery above the village of Phakding called Pema Chholing Monastery. I needed to be alone and allow my ego time to lick its wounds. My instinct was spot on. I could not have fallen into a better situation. What a beautiful, healing day I had. After trekking off the normal route away from the yaks, donkeys, and porters carrying their massive loads between villages, I detoured about 1000 ft in elevation to visit this peaceful little sanctuary. I was rewarded with such kindness and invited to lunch with the 26 young men who attend school in the 550 year old facility. It was the perfect way to wrap up this entire experience with a much needed and loving bow.

I met back up with half the team in Lukla to the great news that Natasha was able to make the summit, making it a total of 4 successful summits. For the 6 of us who did not, it was not at all a wasted trip. Not only did we have the honor of standing on the summit of Lobuche East, but the experience of mountaineering in Nepal in general is something to cherish and rejoice in.

This new extended family has plans to stay in touch. I was so fortunate to have the experience of celebrating my birthday back in Kathmandu on 11/21 when we all reassembled to say farewell and go our separate ways. I also made a quick trip to the clinic in Kathmandu to find out that a slight sinus infection with signs of fluid in my ears added to the effects of my pulsatile tinnitus, something I will look into more once back in the States.

I am finalizing this dispatch in the final hours of my long journey home. Two 20+ hour layovers, one in Doha, Qatar and the second in Seattle, Washington, have my mind slightly boggled but hopefully still making sense. I am excited to be back home in Montana soon, where the dance (and training) will continue. Thanks to everyone for following along on this journey and for the encouragement along the way. I look forward to sharing the next adventure with you all again….SOON!